


Tomlinson Sucks

by EstherRomanov



Category: One Direction (Band), South Park
Genre: Cartman Sucks, Don't Kill Me, I'm bored, Inspired by S11E2, M/M, Nouis, South Park AU, failing miserably at smut, kinda awkward but fuck it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 00:43:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10478217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EstherRomanov/pseuds/EstherRomanov
Summary: Wherein Louis is Cartman, Niall is Butters, Liam is Stan, Harry is Kyle, and Zayn is Kenny.





	

So maybe being gay is not bad. Liam and that goddamn motherfucking Harry can mutter any shit however and whenever they want to but Tomlinson is still getting his blowjobs every night wherein they are just jerking off to whoever celebrity’s nude photo circulating the internet. And sure Liam got his girlfriend. But it is as if that bitch-ass Danielle will get down on her knees for him and take him to paradise like what Niall is doing to him now. Pretty lips covering his cock while the bleached-blonde head bobs up and down between his thighs, and holy shit, it feels so good. 

It all started when Niall noticed that Tomlinson was not inviting him for sleepovers anymore. The Irish lad was saddened, he tried talking to Tomlinson but Tomlinson runs out of the classroom before Niall could even approach him. But Niall, who was teased as socially awkward and feminine and gay by everybody, usually gets what he wants when he puts his heart to it and very soon he’s got Tomlinson cornered in the men’s room. 

“Why won’t you invite me to sleep in your house anymore?” Niall asked, voice fragile. 

“Fuck off, Niall. We’re going to be late for class.” Tomlinson turned for the door but Niall blocked it with his body. 

“No!” the boy yelled and it made Tomlinson flinch a little. The fuck? 

There were tears threatening to fall from Niall’s eyes then. “Has Harry taken back his place as your best friend?” he asked. 

Tomlinson felt insulted. “The fuck, Niall?! When has Harry become my best friend, huh? I hate him. I hate him! Don’t you ever say that again!” 

“Then why?” 

Like Tomlinson could answer that without making a total fool and a total fag of himself. _Oh, it’s because I keep taking a picture of you and my ass whenever you sleep over. But I made a stupid mistake when I put your weiner in my mouth and Harry – that heartless scumbag – accused me of being gay. And I won’t do it ever again._

“Louis?” he took a step towards him and he panicked. 

“Don’t touch me, Niall! If you ever want to see your parents again, don’t touch me!” 

Niall was desperate. “Why not?” 

“Because you’re making me gay!” Tomlinson covered his mouth. Christ, why did he say that? How did that sound like? What did Niall think of that? 

He was blushing. That was not good. He’s going to ask some things, awkward things; Tomlinson was doomed and it was Harry’s fault. 

“I-is that bad?” Niall finally asked. 

“Of course it’s bad! I-it’s… and Father said that gays… and there’s AIDS and…” 

“How could I help you, then? I want to help you.” 

Harry’s genius solution came to his mind (only he wouldn’t admit to anyone especially Harry that something genius can come out of that fried brain). Harry had said: _The only way to cancel your gayness is to put your weiner in Niall’s mouth._

“I’ve got to tell you, Niall. The solution is kinda stupid and cheesy…” Oh God, Tomlinson was not doing this. But it was the only way. 

“Tell me, Louis.” 

“I got to put my weiner in your mouth. It cancels out the gay polarity. It’s not like I want it, but Harry said it’s the only way. And I don’t want to put my dick in your mouth, either. It’s super yucky.” 

No words were said afterwards. Tomlinson couldn’t look at the Irish lad. His cheeks had become red as tomato or rose or whatever. His heart squeaked in surprise when suddenly Niall walked over, kneeled beside him, determination in his face. “I’m ready, Louis.” 

Tomlinson sputtered. “Why would you want to do that?” 

“Because I’m your friend, I’m willing to help.” He started to reach for Tomlinson’s zippers but Tomlinson slapped his hand away. 

“Not in here, you butthole! What if someone comes in?” 

“Then how—” 

“Sleep in my house tonight,” Tomlinson said. “That’s where we’ll do it.” 

Niall was smiling from ear to ear then. Tomlinson was angry because fuck Niall, he got what he wanted. But in that moment, he didn’t really care. He wouldn’t be gay anymore and he can stomp Harry’s smugness. 

At Tomlinson’s house, when they were sure his mom’s sleeping, he silently took off his pajama pants and stood by Niall’s sleeping mattress. Niall, who was really happy to take back his rightful place as Tomlinson’s best friend, wordlessly took his dick in his mouth. They really didn’t know how long the reversing process should be, so they settled for five minutes (that’s how long Tomlinson put Niall’s dick in his mouth the first time when he was testing for angles and light filters for a good picture, and goddamn if he would tell Niall that.) By then, Niall got bored and started talking about mundane things while he was still covering Tomlinson’s weiner. Suddenly, there was a knot forming inside his stomach. He didn’t know what it was that time but it was pleasure he was feeling. He was getting hard and he didn’t even notice it. Niall did, though, and he pulled back a little to ask what was wrong. The view of Niall kneeling in front of him, dick inside a mouth, breathing in, mouthing some nonsense bullshit, looking up with wide blue eyes got him even harder. He hissed, “Shut up, Niall. You know how to shut up, right?” 

Niall started to say something then Tomlinson’s little request registered in his head so he nodded. And fuck, the action was so much worse. Tomlinson didn’t know what was happening. He acted on instinct, on what he felt right. He reached for Niall’s hair then tugged. Then he started to thrust and pull from the boy’s mouth repeatedly. Niall yelped in pain and surprise but he didn’t notice it. He didn’t notice how labored his breath was becoming, how he was moaning, how he was fucking the boy. There was something that squirted out of his penis and he pushed Niall away roughly. 

Niall was crying and it did something Tomlinson’s stone heart. He put his arm around him. “Niall, are you okay? Dude, I’m sorry. Dude, say something.” 

The liquid that came out of his dick was dripping from Niall’s lips. Niall was coughing. Tomlinson was really worried. 

“Niall?” 

The blonde boy finally nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine now, Louis. Thanks,” he croaked out. 

Tomlinson breathed a sigh of relief. “Dude, what you got on your mouth, I think you should—” 

“I swallowed most of it.” 

“What?! Why would you do that?” 

Niall’s eyes became glassy again. “Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Oh God, I feel so stupid!” 

“No, no, Niall. You did great. You’re not stupid! Promise!” 

A comforting silence was finally bestowed. Then Niall said with a smile, “You’re not gay anymore.” 

To which Tomlinson replied, “Yeah. Thanks for the help.” 

The next day Tomlinson faced his three friends with new confidence. In the bus stop, he told them that they could laugh all they want but it was all for history now. He had put his dick in Niall’s mouth and he is not gay anymore. 

Harry and Liam looked at him with mortified expression. Zayn was dying of laughter. 

“You didn’t actually do it, did you?” Harry asked. 

Tomlinson took pleasure at his shocked face. “What? You didn’t think I would do it, did you? You think I’m gay and that I would stay that way? You are wrong, fuckass. Who’s gay now?” 

“Dude!” Harry yelled. “How can you be such a fucking moron?! Didn’t you—” 

“No, no. Don’t tell him,” Liam covered Harry’s mouth with a hand. 

Tomlinson frowned. “What? What am I missing? Zayn?” 

“The process doesn’t stop there,” Zayn said. “Did you squirt in his mouth?” 

“Uh, yes?” 

“Did he swallow it?” 

“He said he swallowed most of it. What was it?” 

“That’s the gay liquid. That would stay in Niall’s stomach for a long time. He’s gay now, unless you help him get it off.” 

“The fuck do I care about it anymore? I’m free. Niall’s always been gay anyway. It doesn’t make much difference.” 

Zayn thought again for a few moments. “Well that gay liquid has a baby in it, Tomlinson. If you didn’t get it off Niall, it would develop and three days after he will deliver a baby that looks like you and him. And everybody would know what happened.” 

Tomlinson was stunned. “Shit. What do I have to do?” 

“Well you obviously can’t let him squirt in your mouth because the gay liquid will return to your system. So make him come – I mean, make him squirt in your hand. You pull his weiner and pull at it repeatedly until the liquid comes out.” 

“That’s fucking gross, Zayn. Like a handjob? Fuck!” He turned to Liam. “Why didn’t you want to tell me?! What have I done to you? Shit, I’ve got to find Niall!” He left, and didn’t see his friends shaking their heads in amusement and puzzlement at his stupidity. 

\-- 

He explained that to Niall and both being gullible idiots, they did it the same night in another sleepover in Tomlinson’s house. Niall’s squirt was definitely disgusting and Tomlinson wiped it off immediately with a tissue. He also fought the urge to punch Niall’s face when that wimp started crying and saying he really wanted a baby with him. He was especially in hysterics when Tomlinson flushed the tissue paper in the toilet. 

The next day, he didn’t how or why but Liam, Harry and Zayn became very concerned and caring for him. They asked him how many times Tomlinson took a picture of Niall and his ass, that could all potentially make a gay liquid in his body. 

And every night, from then on (except for weekends perhaps and some other special occasions), Niall sleeps over in Tomlinson’s house and getting off each other. Niall never asked why they were doing it, Tomlinson never confessed about the humiliating pictures he took of him, but he is still doing what Tomlinson tells him to do. Over time, even Tomlinson forgets why they are doing it, he hasn’t taken a picture of Niall ever since. But they still continue, because Niall is oh so pretty and hot and adorable and Tomlinson is dreaming of kissing him on the lips. He thinks the handjobs and the blowjobs are never enough to get him closer to Niall, who is crying every time he squirts out of Tomlinson’s hand. _The baby! Our baby, Louis! Don’t flush him!_

Every morning, he recites his accomplishments to his friends. “In total, I got 127 pictures. Only 97 gay-reversal processes to go and I’ll be back to tearing your lives apart in full swing.” 

“What are you talking about, shortie?” Liam asks. 

Tomlinson sighs. “You know, doing it every night is really tiring. I couldn’t think straight anymore. I’m always restless. And that fucking Niall wants to spoon me after in my bed. I couldn’t sleep properly!” 

Harry is looking at him with an expression he can’t cipher. “You haven’t actually sto—Goddamn you. Never mind.” 

“Why? Do you want me to raise a baby with the likes of you still walking the earth? I won’t be evil to my own child, Harry.” 

“I said never mind, shortie.” 

“Don’t call me short, you stupid turd! I’m not short! I’m just vertically challenged!” 

One day he looks up to the Internet just to see if anyone is experiencing what he and NIall are going through right now. When he finds out the truth, his body shakes in rage and he is ready to kill, commit a mass shooting maybe. He runs to Liam’s house where his friends are playing a board game he couldn’t understand. 

“You… you…” he seethes. 

“What do you want, shortie?” Harry asks, unbothered. 

“I supposed you think it’s funny, huh? Giving me all that bull crap about gay liquid and babies.” 

“You finally figured out, huh?” 

“I’ve searched the internet!” 

“You also finally figured out how to use one.” 

“Four weeks… I’ve just been having sex with Niall for four fucking weeks!” 

Zayn laughs. “There you go. You know what you’re doing.” 

“Shut up! SHUT UP! I HATE YOU ALL OF YOU! YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!” 

“Relax, geez,” Liam says. “We didn’t know you’d be this dense, Tomlinson. Honestly, we thought you’d figure out we’re messing with you _weeks_ ago. Hell, even Niall beat you to it.” 

That last sentence makes him stop. “What do you mean?” 

“Niall thinks you know what you’re doing every time you have sex. He tells us every time. Of course we didn’t tell him about your stupid pictures. Thank us for that.” 

Oh, yes. Tomlinson suddenly realizes that Niall has stopped asking him of the future of their tissue baby and he keeps touching and holding Tomlinson in such weird places. He groped for Tomlinson’s nipples the last time! 

“NIALL HORAN KNOWS AND HE DIDN’T TELL ME?! I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!!!” 

He outruns the three other boys and lost them on his way to the Horan household. He knocks loudly and Niall opens the front door. 

“Oh, hi Louis!” he says with an irritating (beautiful) smile. “What are you doing here? I told you I can’t have a sleepover with you tonight, right? I’m watching over the house.” 

“YOU!” he pushes him roughly. “YOU! YOU KNOW WE’RE HAVING SEX AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME! YOU’RE A MONSTER!” 

Now Niall is confused. “What?” 

“Every night we’re having sex!” 

“Yes. What do you think we’re doing?” 

Tomlinson wants to cry. “I… I thought it was… Zayn said the gay liquid… and _our_ baby…” 

“But I thought you’re the one who came up with those just to get in my pants?” 

“No, Niall, as if!” he cries. “God, I’m so stupid!” 

“There, there, Louis,” he leads him inside. They sit on the couch and Niall repeatedly rubs his back. “I’m sorry, Louis. I’m sorry.” 

“I thought… I never thought…” Tomlinson hiccups. Niall holds his hand tightly. “I’m forever gay now, Niall.” 

“Whoever said something is wrong with being gay?” 

“Harry will laugh at me!” 

“So what, Louis? Like you said, he’ll forever be just a curly-haired, no-good namby-pamby and nothing can change that.” 

“And the school?” 

“Well, I will protect you if something bad happens.” 

_You? Of all people? Don’t make me laugh._ On a normal day, that is what Tomlinson would say. But his heart is already swelling. He wipes his tears away. “Really? You will?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Why?” 

“Cause I like you.” 

“You do? You like like me?” 

Niall laughs. “I do. I like like you a lot lot. Why do you think I keep having sex with you all this time?” He kisses Tomlinson’s knuckles. 

“But we’re supposed to be just best friends.” 

Niall giggles. “What do you think is going on between Liam and Harry?” 

Tomlinson considers it. “Well, I supposed you’re right. They always seemed kinda faggy to me. But Niall. The pictures… I need to come clean about the pictures. When you are staying at my house—” 

Niall presses a finger to his lips to shut him up. “I’ve beaten you to that too.” 

“What?” 

“Let’s just say I’ve been sneaking around your room while you sleep.” 

There’s a pang of guilt in Tomlinson’s chest. “And...?” 

“Louis, if you really treasure your things you should’ve noticed that that album is missing. I’ve burned it. I mean, I’m flattered that you want to take a picture of me but next time, do it properly.” 

Tomlinson finally allowed himself to smile. 

“So can we keep doing our arrangements every night?” Niall asks. “Because I sure like doing it a lot with you. I like you touching me. I like cuddling with you. Maybe next time, maybe we could do something more. I read in the internet that you can push your dick into someone’s butthole. Maybe you could do that me. There’s also this thing with fists where—” 

Tomlinson blushes terribly. “Shut up, Niall! I’m not going to do that!” 

Niall frowns. “What do you want to do? You… you at least want to do something with me, right?” 

“W-well… I suppose I want to kiss you… on the lips… I’ve been wanting to do just that for the longest time.” 

Niall smiles. 

\-- 

When Liam, Harry and Zayn finally reach Niall’s house, they guffaws at what they see from the window. In the couch, Tomlinson and Niall are completely naked. Shortie is taking Niall from behind like a dog in heat. They watch in horror as Tomlinson pound his dick into Niall’s little hole. It must have been a strain in Niall’s neck, they all think, as the Irish lad angles so he and Louis can kiss while they are doing it. They’re loud and sweaty and it’s dirty and the three boys are traumatized. 

For a while, they think of photographing the moment for a good laugh, then they decide against it. They are more than sure that whatever Tomlinson will say about this tomorrow in the bus stop will be funnier. 

_fin_


End file.
